Flash Friday 21/02/2014: Ouija Believe It
“I didn’t know it was this easy,” Darren said, looking down at the Ouija board.
Megan half-opened a wrinkled eye, staring at him as she waved her crooked hands over the board. “It’s not.”
“But all you’re doing is waving your hand over a board.”
“That’s all it looks like to someone not attuned to the spirits. What do you believe I am doing, right now?”
Darren shrugged. “Calling my mother, like I asked you to do.”
“Incorrect. I am, in fact, establishing a link with her.”
“The difference being?”
“One is establishing a secure connection to talk through. The other is yelling out into the darkness and attracting demons that might tear your soul apart if you let them in.”
Darren flinched. “Oh. Well, I’m glad you’re protecting me from the bad stuff.”
“Not all the bad stuff. Let’s just say that you’re going to be doing a lot of time in a priest’s confession booth and Sunday services to clear this one up.”
Darren winced. “I didn’t think about that. Bugger.”
“Well, don’t think about it for now. I’ve managed to bridge a connection to your mother. I think she’ll be ready to speak to you know.”
Darren inched closer to the table. “You’re serious? You’ve managed to contact my dead mum? Good grief. All this time, I’ve been asking myself about what I’d tell my mum if I got to see her again before I die, and now it’s finally happening. Feels sort of supernatural.”
Megan snorted. “That’s the idea.”
The marker on the board began to shift as Megan maintained her hands over the board, watching it intently. In a flash, the marker pointed to several letters one at a time, then fell to place where it began.
Megan frowned. “That was weird.”
“Did she just say something?” Darren said. “What did she say?”
“She said something, alright. It’s just that, their beginning comments usually go something like ‘Nice to see you again’ or ‘What brings you to call on me’.”
“And what did this one say?”
Megan blinked, as if trying to make sense of what she saw. “It said, ‘DAFT SOD’.”
Darren winced. “Yes, that sounds like my mother. Why did she say that?”
Megan opened her mouth, but was interrupted by the pointer moving again. Darren was better prepared this time, keeping track of its lightning speed with his eyes. He missed a few letters, but very easily filled in the gaps in his mind; ‘YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT ME WHILE I STILL HAD MY TRAP SHUT’.
“Yes, I know, mum,” Darren said.
“What does she mean by this, Darren?”
“She’s always talked about how the only time she’ll stop nagging me is when she’s dead. You can probably see why she’s surprised I’ve called her back for round two.”
‘IT’S LIKE A COW COMING OUT OF AN ABATTOIR AND SAYING ‘THAT WAS FUN, LET’S DO IT AGAIN’. DAFT SOD.’
Megan clenched her teeth. “If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought I had accidentally pulled a demon from Hell up instead.”
‘AND YOU CAN SHUT UP TOO WHILE YOU’RE AT IT’.
“But mum,” Darren said, shuffling closer to the board. “I need to ask you so many things. You know so much, and I need answers.”
“Well, uh…what’s Heaven like?”
‘NICE. UNTIL YOU COME, OF COURSE. THEN I MIGHT SEE IF SATAN HAS A FEW APARTMENTS SPARE. WOULD BE LESS OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE.’
Darren sighed. “It doesn’t look like death did any wonders to your personality, mama.”
‘THERE’S A REASON YOUR SISTER GOT EVERYTHING IN THE WILL.’
“Listen, mum, I got more I want to–“
‘ENOUGH. JUST BECAUSE I’M DEAD, DOESN’T MEAN THE PECKING ORDER DIDN’T CHANGE. I’M THE ONE ASKING THE QUESTIONS HERE. DID YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH TODAY?’
Darren winced. “Yes.”
‘COMB YOUR HAIR?’
‘EAT BREAKFAST THAT WASN’T SOME CHOCOLATE-LACED GARBAGE?’
‘TAKE OUT THE RUBBISH INSTEAD OF LEAVING IT TO OVERFLOW THE BIN?”
‘HA. YOU LIED. I CAN SEE IT FROM HERE, THERE’S CRISP PACKETS ALL OVER THE FLOOR. AND I CAN SEE YOUR ROOM IS IN AN UTTER STATE. HONESTLY, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD HAVE GROWN A PAIR WITH ME DYING AND ALL THAT. TURNS OUT YOU NEED ME TO HAUNT YOUR HOME SO I CAN THROW THE TOWELS YOU LEAVE ON THE FLOOR ONTO YOUR FACE WHILE YOU SLEEP.’
Megan blew out the small fire that had started on the pointer. “I’ve never seen it used so excessively. Usually all they do is make cryptic comments and leave.”
“This is my mother we’re talking about. The only cryptic part of her is whether or not she actually has a good side of her bed or not.”
‘YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH, BOY.’
“Well, what are you going to do? Spank me?” Darren sat back with a confident look on his face, then jumped into the air with a yelp.
“Spirit,” Megan said. “I command you to–“
“Sorry. Rachel, I command you to not harm my guests. You are purely here to talk, do you understand?”
‘BOLLOCKS TO THAT. I CAN HURT MY OWN SON IF I WANT TO.’
“My business will be in a bit of peril if my potential clients knew that they could be spanked by the other side.”
‘THEN THEY SHOULDN’T PROD THEIR NOSES INTO MY BUSINESS, SHOULD THEY?’
Megan blinked. “That’s the first time a spirit has managed to do italics on a Ouija board.”
‘I’M DONE WITH BOTH OF YOU. BUT BEFORE I GO, I’VE GOT ONE LAST THING I WANT TO SAY TO MY BELOVED SON. WHO WAS THERE ALL ME LIFE, KEEPING ME COMPANY AND DOING GOOD WORK.’
Darren smiled. “Yes? What is it?”
‘GET A JOB, YOU PILLOCK.’
Then, the marker stopped quivering. It almost looked relieved.
Megan rubbed the skidmarks off of the board. “I think I’m going to have to charge extra for that one.”
“That’s alright,” Darren said. “I’d do the same, if I were you.”