Flash Friday 28/09/2012: Angelic Tech Support
Cynthia adjusted the headset resting on her ears. A phone call could happen at any time.
Despite the high amount of attentiveness the job demanded, she liked her job. Situated in the higher-up plains of the afterlife, her offices were adjacent to the cherub training facility, and a stones throw from a cafe selling ambrosia-based drinks and food. Eyeing up the ambrosia snack bar resting on her table, she was grateful for the position she was in. Given the jobs that the Devil forced people to do, it could be a lot worse.
The sound of a phone ringing came down her headset. It was showtime.
Pressing a button on the desk, she placed he fingers on the divine keyboard, resting the digits upon the holy home row, preparing to type. “Hello, this is Heaven Technical Support, how can I help you?”
The first thing Cynthia heard from her headset was the sound of tired, heavy breathing. It sounded as if the caller got back from running a marathon. “Hello?” The voice was shaky. “Hello, yes. I’d like you to solve an issue I have.”
“Very well sir. I’d love to help you with your problem, but first we need the product name and/or number for the Heaven Inc. product that you recently purchased.”
“It’s the, uh…grief, what’s it called again? Hang on.” Cynthia listened to the sound of paper, metal and cardboard being tossed around the room. “Ah, here it is. The, uh…’Do-It-Yourself Genesis Creation Kit’.”
“Very good, sir.” Cynthia typed ‘Genesis’ into the computer. Its angel wings flapped as it processed the request, bringing up a step-by-step support method. “Thank you for purchasing the Do-It-Yourself Genesis Creation Kit,” she read from the screen. “As we strive to be number one for all your otherworldly orders, we will give support and help for your product. What seems to be the nature of the problem?”
“My universe…I did all the steps, I checked them all twice, and it’s still not working.”
“What’s not working?”
“Grief, I don’t know! That’s what I’m calling you about!”
“Please sir, calm down.” Cynthia rubbed her forehead. She couldn’t handle angry customers well. “Why do you think your universe is not working?”
“I did all the steps, right? All the days that you’re supposed to do to get the universe running. I come to the ‘animals and people stage’, and nothing is happening. Literally nothing. I’m sitting here, wondering why on earth my universe is not working. ‘Day of rest’, my arse. Do you realise how long I’ve been on hold for this call?”
“Please, sir. I need you to stay calm for this.” She moved the holy mouse to click on the link reading ‘animals and people do not work’. “Have you wiped your universe from existence and brought it back again? It usually fixes most problems with your universe.”
“Yes, I’ve done that seven times, just tell me how to fix the thing.”
“Can you take me through the specific stages you went through when you created your universe?”
A loud sigh came through the earpiece. “Right, I got the box in seven days ago. Opened it up, read the instructions. Seemed easy enough. I made light on the first step, then I made the heavens. After that, I did dry land, sea, the lot of it, followed by the creatures in the water and the air. Then I finished it up with the ‘land animals and people’ task, and it gave me an error message.”
“Sir, can you repeat to me what you did after you made dry land?”
“The sea. And then the creatures in the land and the air.”
Cynthia nodded to herself. She could see what was wrong. “Sir, please revert your universe back to day four, removing the creatures. Then, look in the box for a disk labelled ‘sun, moon and stars’. Is it there?”
“…oh no, you’re joking.” His tone of voice became more humbled. “Did I…?” The sound of a box being shaken vigorously, followed by something hard hitting a table. “Oh no, was I…?”
“If you read the instructions, you’ll see that the fourth day is for the sun, moon and stars. Trying to execute the land animals and humans without this step being completed will generate an error. Have you executed the disk?”
“Yep. Running now. After this, I just…?”
“Run the disks as you did before, correct. If you still get a problem with your universe, please do not hesitate to call us back. Ask for Cynthia and you’ll be redirected back here. I’ll leave the support ticket open for a week.”
“Thank you so much, Cynthia. I’m very sorry I caused you all this trouble, it’s just…this cost me a lot of money, you know? I didn’t want it to break on me or anything”
“Very understandable, sir. Do you have anything else you want help with?”
“No, I’m fine” There was another sigh. “Unless you sell products that get me to read manuals before I mess about with a universe.”
“I’m afraid we do not stock that product, sir. Regardless, thank you for calling Heaven Inc., and have a nice day.” Pressing the button again, she took her headset off and leant back in her chair, grasping for the snack bar on her desk. Becoming a cherub sounded better every day.