Flash Friday 05/10/2012: Pablo’s Finest Spam
“Ah!” Pablo sat his plump self back into the computer chair and laughed. “Good! Molto bene! Exquisite! Another masterful comment from great hands of Pablo!”
He admired his comment, his cursor hovering over the submit button. Every moment where he wasn’t working in the pizzeria, he spent here, sweltering in the hot Italian sunshine in front of his computer, running an operating system two centuries too late, accompanied by the soothing machine tones of a backfiring tank. He did not care, for the work that he performed did not require fancy hardware, advanced operating systems, or that fancy-pancy ‘antivirus’ which every claimed he should have. He had his computer, his web browser thing, and a fine example of a post in front of him. All that he needed to complete the topping on the Pizza of Today was his comment.
To state that the comment was a pinnacle of human achievement and deserving of every Nobel Peace Prize in existence would be an understatement. The comment was full of his compassion, his love, his reason for living the cheerful days that he lived. Surely the recipient of this comment will be blasted back from their own chair with the force of a thousand pat on the backs. Sure, he had little-to-no experience with the English language, but he knew his message spoke the international language of love and inspiration. He even added a link to his blog so that the fortunate ‘victim’ would be able to accept him into their lives for all of eternity.
The longer he stared at it, the longer this lucky man had to wait for the most ground-breaking moment of his entire life.
“Hope blogger accept post,” he said to himself as he clicked the submit button. He was never sure why, but his comments either vanished if the blogger had no moderation on their comments, or never even surfaced if they did. Perhaps the world is not ready for the strong message that he spoke?
Nonsense. The world needed him more than ever, even in these harsh times. He was sure he was bringing smiles to everyone’s faces.
The sound of a new mail notification made Gareth jump from his chair. He always had the volume far too loud.
Checking the mail popup, it read that he had received a new comment on his most recent blog post – the one where he posted a snippet of the track he was working on for his upcoming album. Intrigued as to what the fans were saying about his work, he minimised the music software and clicked the link in the email, bringing up the comment.
“Oh god,” he said as the page loaded. “Not this again.”
Every time, the bots got him. It had to be a bot, because it posted with such efficiency and speed every time he put a new post up. There were variations in the content — obviously matching the content of the post to pass off as a real comment to the unknowing — but it was obvious of their motive. The programmers of this particular bot were stupid enough as to always have it posted under the name ‘PABLO’, which was a red flag that the comment was chock full of awful, procedurally-generated sentences for the sake of a few bucks.
Gareth read the comment with a constant expression of dismay.
“Your music very good! 100% rating. I enjoyed this music. I’m sure showing of friends, they’d like it too. It helps me understand the basis of such, and that is always good. I look forward to blog post in the website future.
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Gareth hit the Delete button on the comment and reopened his music software. Maybe one day, they’ll program a bot that can actually speak coherent English.