Flash Friday 21/06/2013: Surgical Procedure
Gareth had never had surgery before.
His feet were currently aimed at the doors to the operating theatre, waiting to go in. Yes, they were about to make him a thousand times better. Yes, they were going to save his life. The fact that the only way they could do so was by splitting him open and flashing a knife inside of him didn’t make matters any better, though. The two surgeons either side of him seemed to notice this.
“Don’t be scared,” the male one said. “It’s a routine procedure.”
“We’ve done this a hundred times before,” the female surgeon said. “It’s not like we’re new.”
Gareth sighed. No matter how trained someone is, a knife is still a knife. “So what is the procedure going to be like?”
“Well,” the man said. “First we knock you out. I mean, obviously — surgery isn’t a very good spectator sport, especially if you’re the one being operated on. Then we make the first incision.”
“That’s the bit I’m worried about,” Gareth said.
“Oh, don’t worry too much,” the woman said. “We apply lots of care to ensure nothing nasty gets inside of you. Once you’ve been opened up, we can take a look around you. That’s the fun part.”
“It’s really cool,” the man nodded. “Usually you can only see all the organ bits on plastic dummies in high school, but they never equate to the real thing.”
“All the bits and bobs that make us tick…it’s a miracle, it is. Can’t wait to crack this one open and see what he’s like. I bet his guts are all mushy.”
“Do you think he’ll be like the last one we had? The one where you could still see his dinner being digested. Man, that one really was a great addition to the photo album.”
“Uhm, excuse me,” Gareth said, the talk not helping his nerves. “What about my appendicitis?”
The surgeons looked at one another. “What about it?”
“Well, see, I was under the impression that I was having this surgery to have my appendix removed. But you two haven’t said anything about that yet, so I was kind of wondering when you’re going to get to that point.”
The surgeons folded their arms in sync.
“Oh,” the male one said. “It seems we have a real attention grabber over here.”
“I’m sorry, your highness,” the female one said. “I didn’t know I had to be thinking about you all the time. Strutting into our jobs, telling us what to do. Why don’t you do it yourself, if you’re so smart?”
“Look,” Gareth said. “I came here to have my appendix removed. That’s all. Can you do that for me?”
The woman shrugged. “Oh, sure, we could do that while we’re in there, I suppose. I take it you’ll want me to sort out the rubbish in your own home? Take your kids down to the cinema for you?”
“Well what on earth were you going in there for in the first place?”
“Dunno,” the man said. “Figured it’s one of those things you figure out when you get there. Might play a game of marbles on your ribcage, that’s always a hit.”
Gareth shuddered. “Just get the appendix out and leave me the hell alone. No games, no gawking, nothing.”
“Don’t give us that,” the woman said, the glare coming through between her mask and her surgeon hat. “You’re in a healthcare country, remember? You should be paying us to do this.”
“But if you’re going to be fussy,” the man said, “I guess we can cut it short. Might write ‘spoilsport’ on your large intestine though. That’ll be a laugh during the autopsy.”
The doors to the surgery opened.
“We’re ready to take Gareth in now,” an older male surgeon said, peering through the door. “Come on in.”
“Pft. And I was looking forward to this one,” the woman said, over the squeaking of the wheels of the bed. “Got my good deck of cards and everything.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the man said. “We’ve got an open heart surgery later on. Those are always a riot.”
Gareth made a mental note to change hospitals.