Flash Friday 12/07/2013: Dimension Dissension
Alkesh the Dimension Keeper sat atop of his rock in the middle of an infinite amount of entrances, his purple dragon body wrapped around the stone. He was the only being in existence that could not only comprehend the infinite number of universes that have been made and forever will be made, but had the decency to help those who entered the Crossroads of Eternity in seek of a new dimension to live in. His teeth and claws had slain many a villain who tried to wreak havoc on other worlds entirely, keeping the consistency between all of the potential universes.
Every so often, however, a pacifist and well-meaning traveller would enter his realm. Today was one of those days.
He seemed innocent enough. Walking down the stone-paved path that lead to the portal to his home world, he appeared to be human. A prevalent strain of specie that had attained high levels of intelligence across a multitude of dimensions, yet still one of the worst races when it came to dimensional travel. In fact, if Alkesh’s memory served him well, this human would be the first.
“Welcome to the Crossroads of Eternity,” Alkesh said, his voice like if a cliff could talk. “It is so good to see you. My name is Alkesh.”
“Thanks,” the human said. “I’m Bob.”
“Welcome, Bob,” Alkesh said, the foreign tongue meaning he put too much emphasis on the second B. “I do not sense malevolence in your heart, and therefore I am here to help. You are one of the first of your kind to visit, and I impart congratulations to your person. Now, state to me the reason you came here, the reason why you, as the first human, managed to discover inter-dimensional travel. Perhaps you are a hero seeking dimensions to help? Or a businessman hoping to make riches in worlds unknown to you?”
“So you can guide me to where I want to go?”
“That is correct.”
“Excellent,” Bob said rubbing his hands. “Because right now, I’m in the market for a new fridge.”
The Crossroads of Eternity had a habit of echoing the final words in a sentence. It only meant that Alkesh heard what he thought he heard.
“That is…interesting,” Alkesh said. “But idle chatter spares no time. Please, tell me the reason why you–”
“I just said. I want a new fridge.”
Alkesh closed his hanging jaw. “…you permeated the barriers between The Great Eternity and your own world so that you can get a new fridge?”
“Tell me about it,” Bob said, shrugging. “It was an utter ball-ache to do.”
“Why would you do such a thing?”
“Because I figured it’d be easier this way. Maybe there’s, like, a dimension where there’s fridge trees, and I can just walk up and pick them off the branches. Or do you have to wait until they drop on the floor, first?”
“But I am sensing from your home world,” Alkesh said, focusing his attention on the portal. “I can see your country. I can see your residence. Most importantly, I can see an Ace Appliances store literally around the block from you.”
“Sod that. They’re always closed, and the woman at the till is a right cow, and I really can’t be bothered to walk there in this heat.”
Alkesh nodded to himself. The multitudes of universes all held different kinds of words for different emotions and states of being. Some had definitions for when one is crying due to happiness. Some dimensions had beings that could feel anger and excitement at the same time. Luckily, the state of ‘being a lazy bugger’ was a universal constant.
“I apologise,” Alkesh said, “but I do not think I can be of help. Some universes have yet to discover fridges. Some have technology so advanced, I cannot allow you to take it back to your home world. Perhaps if I scry deep enough, I will be able to find an alternate universe where you’re not a complete idiot.”
“Why not just plonk me in a universe with fridges?”
“As far as I can see,” Alkesh said, peering down the figurative hallway of entrances, “none of them have invented those little ice dispensers yet.”
“Well, bollocks to that, then,” Bob said. “Thanks anyway, mate. If you ever find the dimension where everyone’s a hot blonde with good curves and a deadly allergy to clothes, you let me know, alright?”
“I shall strive to do my best,” Alkesh lied, watching as Bob turned to walk back through his own portal. Perhaps, Alkesh thought to himself, he could find a dimension where nobody was a moron.
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