Flash Friday 22/11/2013: Weapon of Choice (Part 13)
Dennis didn’t know what to expect from Gal’grub, the orc chieftain that killed his parents. What he probably could definitely say he didn’t expect was to catch him in the middle of having his hair braided.
“Oh,” Gal’grub said. His voice sounded like a car starting up. “Are we in for another appointment already?”
“That’s right,” Dennis said.”
“So what did you book again? Monologue, was it? Or perhaps a duel?”
“No, no, none of those. I’m actually here to avenge my parents.”
“Oh wow, an avenging? Well, that’s going to really throw off my later appointments. Hayley,” he said to the woman orc braiding his hair. “Call off the schedule. Say I’m sick or something.”
“Right you are, love,” Hayley said, adding the final touches to the hair.
“So, uh, welcome to my tribe, I guess,” Gal’grub said. “Sorry about the mess, I haven’t cleaned up in ages. What’s the matter? You look like you’ve been through a lot recently.”
“That’s one way of putting it,” Dennis said.
“Well, I just hope this whole avenging thing makes you feel better. Hold on a moment,” he said, clearing his throat. “I have to ‘do the warchief thing’. Okay, here we go.” He rolled his shoulders, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. “Puny humans!” he bellowed.
“Wow,” Edmond said. “Thank goodness he’s not after me.”
“You dare enter my realm with such pride and arrogance? I am afraid to say that all of your efforts have gone to waste, as I had a very secretive and stealthy goblin discover your destined weapon before you even set off. Therefore, I have prepared my armour so that you can not, in any way, defeat me. Observe,” he bellowed, showing off each piece in part. “Metal chestplate. Knee pads. Armoured gauntlets. Neck protector. Shoes that can’t be tickled through. Tonsil guard. I am totally and utterly prepared for you in every way, defensively. Furthermore, I have put in a little something for my own weapon of choice.”
“That’s great,” Dennis said. “Yeah, super.”
“Witness this hand of pure nature,” Gal’grub said, brandishing his right fist. “It has been enchanted by the best orcish shamans to fuel my body with whatever part of nature it touches. Witness my power!” He grabbed a rock, his entire body gaining a strong, impregnable skin of stone. He grabbed the flaming end of a torch that Hayley held out for him, which ignited his entire figure with crackling flames. “Do you think you can deal with such power?” he bellowed. “I think not.”
“I think I’m going through a lot of distress,” Samuel whimpered.
“Now,” Gal’grub said, pointing at Dennis. “What do you think of that?”
“Yeah,” Dennis said, nodding slowly. “Nice.”
“Nice? You witnessed the tool that will slay you and you merely call it ‘nice’? You test my patience, whelp. This fist has caved in many a face, and I won’t–”
“Did you test it on yourself first?” Dennis said.
Gal’grub’s jaw dropped. “Well, excuse the hell out of you. I was just trying to have a nice monologue, but someone’s being all grouchy. Fine! If you’re going to be that way, then I’ll have to teach you a lesson!”
Gal’grub grabbed the torch again, setting his body ablaze. Then, with a blood-curdling cry, he charged at Dennis.
“Dennis,” Edmond said. “Perhaps we should run.”
“What for?” Dennis said.
“Because there’s a flaming orc coming towards us and he’s about to murder you. Come on, we have to go.”
“There’s one thing I learnt on this journey, Edmond. That through all problems and hinderances, someone can always pull through. Someone can always find a way. Someone can always climb out of the pit they just fell in. All you have to do is stand your ground, stare the enemy in the face, and act like a miserable bastard. It beats panicking at any rate.”
“So do you have any plans?”
“No,” Dennis said, facing the charging Gal’grub again. “Then again, I never had one, yet here I am. I’m sure something will come to mind.”
Then, everything went into slow motion.
Dennis knew there was a solution to this. There was no point thinking about what the solution might be, however, because they were very often incredibly stupid that defied any kind of thought. He had a feather, and that was pretty much it. He had to do something — anything, if only so that he could say that he at least tried — about the right hook that was currently being swung towards his face.
Dennis thought. Then, he gave up thinking, and that’s when he had the idea so stupid that it had to work. Especially on the quest he was on. When the orc touched something of nature with his right hand, he became the embodiment of it. So, therefore…
With a swift movement, Dennis drew the feather from his pocket, and parried the blow with it.
The ‘blessing’ from nature kicked in instantly, with a large pop and a burst of feathers.
“Well,” Dennis said, crouching down and picking up the chicken that wasn’t there before. “That was easy.”
“Oh my goodness,” Livia said. “You did it. You defeated the warchief. Your name will go down in history as the man who–”
“Oh, bollocks to that. We’re going home. Come on everyone.”
“But the rewards,” Edmond said. “We could be entitled to–”
“Don’t care,” Dennis said, carrying the chicken with him.
“But the fame,” Samuel cried. “We will be famous throughout–”
“Don’t mind. All I care about is getting home and putting the kettle on. This quest was a load of bollocks, and it’s finally finished. I’m done, finished, spent. Time to go home.”
Dennis left as the others stared in silence.
“Well,” Samuel said, with a smile. “I’m sure we could throw a party at his house and invite everyone. Dennis is always a grouch when he’s–”
Samuel didn’t finish due to a chicken being thrown at the side of his head.
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