Flash Friday 27/06/2014: Sex Sells
“But Charles.” Rachael grinned as she was thrown onto the bed. “I thought you said you weren’t in the mood today.”
“So did I.” Charles took off his shirt, throwing it to the floor. “Why, do you want to back out?”
“Oh, no.” Rachael shook her head rapidly. “Definitely not. I was kind of hoping the restaurant would change your mind.”
“Well.” Charles climbed onto the bed. “It definitely worked.”
Both of them smiled at one another, daring the other to break the silence first.
“So,” Rachael began, speaking slowly. “What happens now?”
“Now?” Charles gave Rachael a kiss. “We get it on, of course.”
A male voice from behind said, “get what on?”
Both lovers turned to face the source of the voice. A man was learning through the window, looking at the still semi-clothed pair with mild interest.
Charles shot a glare. “What on earth are you doing?”
“What, me?” The man held out a shirt for the pair to see. “I heard you needed to get something on, so I thought you’d be interested in buying some of my stock. By the looks of it, you’re in the need of a shirt.”
“What? No, I didn’t mean ‘get it on’ like that.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“Well, you know…” The man frowned. “Us two were going to, uh…get dirty.”
“Oh, I have something for that,” a woman said, barging in front of the man in the window. She held out a white bottle. “Hair Goddess shampoo. Cuts through dirt, grease, and grime, all in one. Going for a cheap price, especially for you two. You both look like you’re half-ready to jump in the shower already.”
Charles sighed. “No, I didn’t mean ‘get dirty’ as actually getting dirty. What I meant is that…my wife and I are a little hot under the collar. Do you understand?”
“Oh, boy, do I,” said the salesman as he kicked down the bedroom door, lugging a large box with him. “I certainly understand the summer heat when I feel it. All those sweaty armpits and body odours. Why put up with it any longer, when you can be the proud owner of the Chill-2-Bone air conditioner? Just plug it in, and–”
“Look, I don’t know who any of you are, or why you think it’s okay to barge into my room like this. If you don’t mind, my wife and I are just trying to…get merry with one another.”
A man dragged himself out from under the bed, the bells on his arms and legs jangling like a herd of a farmer’s cows. “But ye don’t have a maypole, lad. How can ye get merry without one of those? I can set ye up with a club membership to the Merry Men Maypole Meet, where ye can find like-minded folk from all over t’world to come dance with.”
Charles’ jaw hung open. “How long have you been under there?”
The maypole dancer shrugged. “Lost me sense of time.”
“Look, I’ll deal with you later. For now, I just want to make it clear that the wife and I are about to get nasty.”
“Then out with ye!” A priest walked through the open door, flicking holy water at the bed. “Out with ye nasty natures, ye foul beast!”
“I meant that my wife and I want to screw.”
The vent cover popped off, revealing a man within. “Then you’ll need one of these,” he said, holding up a screwdriver. “Best one in the world, this. Never breaks, never becomes blunt. Head always in pristine condition. Now that’s quality!”
“What I meant was that we wanted to do the deed.”
The socks drawer opened, a man wearing a brown hat and long trenchcoat standing up within it. “Doin’ deeds is what we do best, boss.” He pulled the slide of his pistol back. “Gimmie a price and a face and we’ll have him gone by the morn.”
“No, I mean we’re about to make the beast with two backs.”
“Are you, now!?” came a rough, muffled voice from the clothes cabinet. A hefty foot booted the doors open from the inside, revealing a stout man with wild ginger hair and long beard. He loaded two shotgun shells into the double-barreled monster in his hands. “‘Cause the Beast has been eluding my prowess since he killed my parents. Years upon years of footprints and going through dung, and now I finally have him!”
“No! I mean my wife and I are about to…make friction.”
“Ah.” A man popped out of the hunter’s beard, much to both Charles’ and the hunter’s surprise. “Then you’ll be wanting two tubes of our latest lubricant product. Are you interested?”
“No! Wait. Yes, actually.” Charles got halfway to reaching for his wallet before realisation struck. “Wait, no! I don’t have to buy anything from you lunatics. What I want is for you all to clear out right this moment. I plan to…do business with my loved one.”
“I see,” a businessman said, . “You must purchase this new software that I use. It’s called Graph It, and it–”
“I am going to have sex!” Charles yelled. ” Sex! With my wife! Right now! Okay?!”
The businessman stopped mid-sentence, still holding the software box in his hands, his eyes wide. Everyone else was staring in horror in the direction of Charles, red in the face. All movement had ceased.
A drawer on the bedside cabinet opened very slowly. A little man poked out like a nervous mouse, holding out a box. “U-uhm, does that mean you want to buy condo–”
Everyone flinched at once. They began exchanging awkward glances before silently creeping back to where they came from, shutting doors and windows as they went (bar the bedroom door, which was merely propped up to look like it was closed, before falling on its face). Soon, the pair was alone once more.
Rachel tutted. “Told you we should have stayed at that hotel.”
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