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Flash Friday 20/02/2015: Bad Romance

February 20, 2015

“We have both been through a lot, haven’t we?” Julia said, holding her partner close. “We’ve braved the dangers of the decrepit mines, explored new and wonderful civilisations, and seen more than any other human will ever see in their lifetime. And, well…as I explored, I couldn’t help but feel that it would not have been the same without you.”

“As was I to you,” Louis said. “The neverending sunset casting orange rays across the elven trees would not have had the same allure if you were not by my side.”

“Louis, I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want to spend my life by your side, to laugh and rejoice together. Please, won’t you give me what I desire? Won’t you be the one to take me around the world?”

“I will be,” Louis said, brushing Julia’s hair from her face. “I’ll be with you, always.”

The pair leant into a kiss.

“No, no, no.” Elysia Weatherbrook stormed into the room, her elven eyes narrowed. She waved a clipboard as if it were a sword as she spoke. “This isn’t going to do at all. This is rubbish, tripe. This’ll never make any top selling lists.”

Julia let go of Louis, an insulted look on her face. “What the hell do you mean?”

Elysia shook her head as she scribbled on her clipboard. “What I mean is, this romance scene is far too generic. I don’t like it. I want it changed, immediately.”

Julia pouted. “Changed? I’ll have you know that this is my Fantasy romance novel.”

Elysia adjusted her glasses, maintaining her gaze on the clipboard. “And if you want your Fantasy romance novel that you start in to reach the top ranks, you’re going to need to make a few changes.”

“Like what?”

“Well…” Elysia pointed with her pen. “Louis has to go.”

“Louis? But how am I going to have a romantic plot without the male character?”

“Oh, no, I totally agree. It’s just that we need to…” Elysia underlined something. “Make changes.

Julia shrugged. “Well, if you say so. I guess a small change won’t do much harm.”

***

“We have both been through a lot, haven’t we?” Julia said, holding her partner close. “We’ve braved the dangers of the decrepit mines, explored new and wonderful civilisations, and seen more than any other human will ever see in their lifetime. And, well…as I explored, I couldn’t help but feel that it would not have been the same without you.”

The orc tilted his head.

“Well…” Julia looked to the side. “Uh, more than any other human or orc has ever seen, anyway. I mean, we really got to know each other during our adventure, didn’t we, mister…?”

The orc pointed to himself. “Gurlak.”

“Right. Mister Gurlak. Such a…” Julia shuddered. “It’s such a romantic name you have there. Rolls off the tongue.”

The orc beamed a smile. “It means ‘rotting head’ in my native language.”

Julia gagged. “Well, uhm…don’t you agree that…we shared a special moment when we saw the neverending sunset casting orange rays–“

“A what?”

“It’s when…when the sun goes below the line between the earth and the–“

“No, the other thing. That ever-bending word.”

“Neverending? Well…it means it’s…never ending. As in, forever. Doesn’t go away.”

The orc frowned as he chewed over this new information. “My love for you is ebberdending.”

“Oh. That’s, uh, romantic of you. Ahaha.”

Julia shot a worried glance Elysia. Elysia made a continuation motion with one hand.

“Gurlak–“

“Gurrrlak. You say the ‘r’ a bit longer.”

“Sorry. Gurrrlak. I…want to be with you for the rest of my life.”

Gurlak’s eyes went wide. “Wasn’t informed of this.”

“I want to spend…my life by your side. Well…” Julia frowned. “Okay, maybe we can just go on one date. You know, to warm to one another a bit more, ahaha.”

Gurlak blinked. “I thought it was for rest of life.”

“Oh, well…yeah, I did say that, but…we have to test these things, you know? It’ll be fine. Like, um…we can do things that orcs like to do during romantic dates. Show me some of your culture.”

Gurlak scratched his chin. “You know, when man orc love woman orc, sometimes we let them suck the bone marrow out of the–“

“How about a stroll?” Julia interjected. “A lovely, seaside stroll. During a sunset. Because we both like those, remember?”

Gurlak frowned.

“Or…maybe…a romantic boat cruise. You like boats, don’t you? A nice, elven boat trip. Down…pretty forest rivers and so on. I mean, a brutish, green orc such as yourself would love such a thing, right?”

Gurlak didn’t seem so sure.

“It’s alright, we can work something out! I mean, they say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, right?”

Gurlak’s eyes widened like a dog spotting a bone.

“See? We can work something between us. We could go to a nice restaurant, a candlelit dinner, some nice music–“

Julia squeaked as two large green hands picked her up, raising her from the floor. She stared into what looked like a child on Christmas day.

“You mean,” Gurlak said, “you think we can both go hunt wild mammoth and cook its meat over open fire?”

“Uhm…” Julia said. “I mean, if you think that’s romantic, sure. But…that can’t be your idea of a romantic outing, right?”

Gurlak nodded very enthusiastically.

Julia blinked. “Oh, hell.”

The rest of the romantic scene consisted of Gurlak hoisting Julia over a shoulder, her screams carrying all the way as Gurlak ran to the door and kicked it down. Even once they were outside, the shrill cries could still be faintly heard on the wind.

Elysia smiled to herself, ticking off a box on her clipboard. “Box office won’t know what hit them.”

982 words

If Elysia seems a bit familiar to you, it’s probably because you met her over at this story.

Forward Motion’s Flash Friday list

Friday Flash, a collector of flash fiction every Friday

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13 Comments
  1. Oh that was priceless!

  2. ganymeder permalink

    LOL, LOVED it. I fear that fame, for poor Julia, will not be quite as she pictured it…. 😀

  3. My love for this is ebberdending.

  4. Loved this! And, yes, Box Office gold 🙂

  5. Brilliant! Thank you for the smiles this story gave me. 🙂

    This was a scene that LOTR could definitely have done with including.

  6. Oh that was funny. Box-office gold indeed!

  7. This is where baby half orcs come from… Hollywood.

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