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Flash Friday 17/04/2015: Wrong Calling

April 17, 2015

The Elteki tribe did not know what it felt like to summon a god until today.

A shrine, set out with elaborate paints and gems around a sacrificial altar, looked like child’s play against the Avatar of Kelduush. His tall figure, at thirty feet, burned a grand red colour, with searing yellow eyes peering down at the tribesman coddled around their virgin sacrifice like a child offering a strip of bacon to a wild lion.

A wicked smile crossed Kelduush’s face.

“Aah,” he said, in a voice that sounded like a thousand blades cutting across a thousand necks. “It has been ten thousand years since a mortal has dared communicate with the Grand Lord Kelduush. And yet, I see that you have prepared the sacrifice as I ordain it. I am very satisfied.”

One of the tribals — presumably the chieftain, given that he looked like he had a nasty run-in with an exploding rainbow chicken — stepped forward. “Ah. Um.”

“With more lives lost, I gain power.” Kelduush grasped a molten hand in front of himself. “It is only a matter of time until I have enough to control this world. All the people within it will be my slaves, and you will all help me rule this new world. Fame and fortune will be yours.”

“Uh, yes, about that–”

“But first.” Kelduush held out a hand towards the virgin sacrifice, who began to struggle against her bindings. “I take this generous donation of yours. Let it be known that your help will be greatly rewarded when I–”

“Sorry, but…” the tribe leader cleared his throat. “I…I couldn’t help but notice that, uh, something, well, might be a little…off.”

Kelduush raised an eyebrow, his hand hovering over the sacrifice. “Something the matter?”

“Oh, no. No, nothing whatsoever. Except for the small fact that, well, we called you by accident.”

“…accident?”

“We were trying to summon Bloodlord Tanakir. I thought we did all the rituals to summon him correctly, but I think we messed up somewhere.” Then, with a sheepish tone: “Sorry.”

Kelduush frowned, retracting his hand. “One sacrifice of a goat at midnight, yes?”

The leader nodded. “Then take the blood and smear it across the head of a firstborn son.”

“Yes, yes. And then, uh…do you do the incense after that?”

“First, we have to stab ourselves with the toxic poison of the Ala’Mar beetle and survive the mind-searing hallucinations it causes to prove that we are strong enough to summon a god. Then it’s the incense.”

“Ah, yes, how stupid of me. Was it ‘flaming flesh’ this time around?”

“Nah, just some lavender.”

“Nice, nice.”

“And then…” The chieftain scratched his chin. “Oh, right. We do the summoning words, then, don’t we? And it goes…’Immortal gods, hear our calls. Come forth from the underworld and grace us with your presence.'”

“Yes, yes. And then my favourite bit where you call me ‘almighty and powerful’, or something.”

“After that, it’s ‘Lay ruin to my enemies and empower my friends, and let the rivers be tainted with the colour of blood.'”

“Ah!” Kelduush clapped. “See, there’s your problem. Your rivers are running red. Bloodlord Tanakir is when the skies are red. The river summons me.”

“Wait, really?” The chieftain started fanning through several sheets of papyrus paper, pulling out the last one and peering intently at it. “Well, I never. That’s a bit embarrassing.”

“Oh, don’t beat yourself up. It’s an easy mistake, really.”

Silence, followed by the jangling of the virgin using the lull of activity to make a new escape attempt.

“So, uh.” Kelduush rubbed his hands. “I mean, we’re still good with the whole world domination thing, right?”

“Hm?”

“I mean, you’re not doing anything with the virgin, right? So can I take it?”

“Oh, no no no. Sorry, we’ve got a nasty little deal with Bloodlord Tanakir. One virgin a month, or else he cuts our service.”

Kelduush sucked air through his teeth. “Yeesh, that is a nasty plan.”

“Maybe so, but it’s the best contract we could get on the market. It’s bloody vicious these days, let me tell you.”

Kelduush nodded. “So, I mean, is it alright if I just take this one? Just this one?”

“Sorry, can’t do it.”

“Surely you can just go get some more? I’ll pay you for this one. How much did she go for?”

“Virgins are very hard to come by, you know. Maybe when you were around you couldn’t throw a stone without striking a pure maiden, but these days they’re all being chopped up by all kinds of tribes. If we didn’t snare this one when we did, we’d probably be inciting the wrath of the Bloodlord right about now.”

“I understand that, but, you know, you got me all excited now.”

“I know.”

“And I haven’t had a good sacrifice for ten thousand years.”

I know.”

“So I thought, maybe, if I could just take this one–”

The tribal leader placed an ear forwards. “Sorry, what did you say?”

“If I could just–”

“You’re breaking up, I can’t hear you.”

“I said, if I could–

“I’m about to go through a tunnel, I think it’s going to drop the call.”

“Tunnel? I don’t see any tun–”

With a dismissive hand movement, the tribal leader closed the connection. The image of Kelduush vanished in an instant.

“Remind me when I’m done,” the tribe leader said, flicking through the ritual papers once more, “to put Bloodlord Tanakir on speed dial.”

916 words

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5 Comments
  1. LOL Way to be dismissed!

  2. ganymeder permalink

    You had me all the way to the going through a tunnel bit, but still HILARIOUS. 😀

  3. LOL I laughed for five minutes over “exploding rainbow chicken.” LOL Poor Kelduush, to be dismissed in such a careless manner! LOL

  4. Well played. Loved the whole call bit. The way we communicate now really has changed how we contact our demon lords and all that. Imagine if they had just used an instant messenger service. I wonder what kind of connection they get in the underworld?

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