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Flash Friday 22/01/2016: Love Is Dead

January 22, 2016

“Listen, sweetheart.” Dave caught hold of Amy’s arm as she stormed towards the front door. “You’ve always said you’ve wanted me to change, right?”

“Yes,” Amy said, whipping her arm out of his grip. “But when I said that, I didn’t mean for you to become a zombie.”

“It’s not that bad!” Dave called out the front door, as Amy placed the next bag into the back of the moving truck rental. “I mean, I’m just like how I was before, except my skin’s a bit green. And…sometimes flesh peels off. Oh, and the maggots, too. And this one time, I sneezed so hard that my eyeball–”

“That’s quite enough.” Amy barged past Dave and back into the house, grabbing a bag from the pile that littered the hallway. “I don’t want to be spending the rest of my life with somebody who doesn’t have one anymore.”

“But what about our marriage, Amy?” Dave said, standing in front of her as she tried to leave with another bag. “Are you just going to abandon that?”

“‘T’il death do us part’, Dave,” Amy said, pointing an accusing finger. “As soon as you died, the marriage was null and void. I’m holding true to my side of the deal, and you should do the same.”

“But I’m not dead.” Dave leant to one side, closing a gap in his defense that Amy had tried to barge through. “I’m still talking to you, aren’t I?”

Amy stood back a little, hands on her hips, a defiant look on her face. “So if you’re ‘not dead’, what happened last night, then?”

“Well…” Dave rubbed the back of his head. “I mean, being bitten by a frenzied, frothing dog doesn’t always kill you, right?”

“Are you breathing right now?”

“No, but I choose to view that as an advantage, rather than a sign of me being dead.”

“What’s your heartrate?”

“That’s easy, it’s…” Dave put two fingers against the side of his neck to check. He frowned, placed the two fingers on the other side, and frowned again. He checked his wrist, his legs, and finally placed a hand on his chest, feeling around for a beat. “It’s, uh…”

“Yes?” Amy said, with impatience. “Has it stopped, perchance?”

“Well…it might just be really slow–”

“I’ve had enough.” Amy went to barge past again.

“No, no, wait!” Dave put both hands on Amy’s shoulders, stopping her. “Listen. My body might be rotting slowly–”

Amy brushed off a peeling from her shoulder. “Quite quickly, actually.”

“Yes, but my point is, isn’t love about what’s inside? We all have our flaws and our quirks, but it’s the person within us that we fall in love with, don’t you think? Give me a kiss, c’mon.”

Amy’s face blanched. “A what?”

“Just a quick one, like we did before.”

“I’m not sure if I want to–”

Dave began to lean forwards, eyes closed. Amy moved her head back at the same rate Dave’s was moving forwards.

There was a sickening crack as Dave’s lower jaw unhinged. It hung open, the tongue rolling out of his mouth like a carpet, a centipede scuttling down it.

Amy gave a strong, decisive slap across his cheek. Dave’s head flew off.

“O-hay, o-hay,” Dave said, as his body recovered its own head from the floor and clicked his jaw back into position. “I’m beginning to see your point.”

“I told you, this isn’t going to work!” Amy snapped. “You’re a walking corpse, you’re coming apart at the seams, and–augh.” She paused her verbal assault to clutch at her hand. “I caught my hand on something with that slap. Now I’m bleeding.”

“Caught your hand?” Dave said. “On what?”

“I don’t know.” Amy sucked on the wound. “Your teeth, maybe.”

“My teeth? Really?” Dave said, with mild curiosity. Then, with his eyes widening, “Wait, that doesn’t count as a bite, does it?”

“What does it matter?!” Amy said, still sucking on the gash. “You hurt me, damn it!”

“No, but this is very important! Do you think that would could classify as a bite?”

“Yes, but I don’t see what this has to do with anything!”

“Uhm,” Dave said sheepishly. “Given how zombie bites work, it might…very well have to do with everything.

“Really, now?” Amy said, losing her patience. “Would you care to explain why?”

***

“And do you,” the priest said, “after death legally ended the first marriage, take Dave once again to be your lawful wedded husband, through sickness and in health, t’il…” The priest scratched his head. “You’re both technically dead, so…”

“Well,” Amy said, her smile creasing the rotting green skin around her mouth. She pushed an escaping eyeball back into her socket. “At this point, I think it’s whoever rots away first.”

“T’il necrotic rot do you part, then.”

“I do.”

“Then you may, uh…sorry, I’m not really good at this sort of thing. Do zombies kiss?”

“Not sure,” Dave said, with a shrug. “It’s not like we can’t try, though.”

“Very well. You may now make some sort of attempt to kiss the bride. You are now, once again, man and wife.”

Both leant forwards and kissed. When they pulled away, Dave blinked in surprise at a millipede dangling between his lips, wiggling frantically.

“Sorry about that,” Amy said with a smile, taking the millipede out and shoving it into an ear. “That’s one of mine.”

“That’s quite alright,” Dave said, beaming. “Technically, it’s both of ours, now.”

910 words

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8 Comments
  1. OMG, That is so funny!

  2. Dominic permalink

    This was great, thanks for sharing!

  3. Ewwww, that was the grossest love story it’s ever been my privilege to read! 🙂

  4. LOL! Great story. “‘Til necrotic rot do you part, then.” cracked me up.

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