Flash Friday 03/06/2016: Ranger Danger
David knocked the door open with a shoulder, holding a tray loaded with snacks and beer. “Alright, guys!” he said, with a cheer. “Who’s up for some–”
He felt like a clown making his entrance into a funeral. His friends — Paul, Judy, and Anna — were sitting in a circle of chairs, looking at David with solemn expressions. One of the chairs was empty. David presumed this was for him.
“Put the snacks to the side for a moment,” Paul said, from his chair. “We need to talk.”
David set the tray aside on a table. “I just thought I’d get some celebratory snacks for winning the fight.”
“We know, and it’s very much appreciated that you did that. For now, please take a seat.”
David took it.
“So, uh,” David said. “What’s all this about?”
“Before we start,” Judy said, “we need you to remember that we all still love you, and that we’re always here for you whenever you need to talk to us about anything. That being said, the group and I agreed in private to discuss some…worrying things we’ve heard from you.”
“Well, you know me. I’m always joking about stuff that worries you all the time. You don’t need an intervention for those.”
“Yes, but we know you’re joking. These are more serious comments you’ve made; ones you actually meant. Anna heard you talking to a phone to a friend. She quotes you as saying: ‘I don’t see why we have to assemble the Superzord after Evil Weevil makes one of her minions super size. Why don’t we assemble the Fighterzords into the Superzord before that happens and squash them all?’.”
“That’s right,” David said. “I don’t see why we bother.”
The other friends exchanged worried looks.
“David,” Anna said. “You can’t assemble the Superzord before the large minion appears. It’s against the Hero Rangers code.”
David shrugged. “I don’t see why.”
“Because it makes it an uneven fight. If we bring the Superzord to fight a few ground mooks, it’ll be totally overkill.”
“So? If we win, we win, right?”
“The goal is not just to win. It’s also to teach children watching our show to always act fair.”
“But she’s–!” David began, before resorting to a grunt of annoyance. “Okay, look, fine. We don’t assemble the Superzord the moment the fight starts. Can we at least show up in our Fighterzords and use them instead? We only ever use them to assemble the Superzord.”
Anna scowled. “Of course not. We’re not fond of fighting with them.”
“Yeah? Of course you’d say that. You’re the one that pilots the useless Turtle Fighterzord that transforms into Superzord’s left leg.”
Anna folded her arms. “The turtle is a symbol of patience and stalwart defense.”
“And also a symbol of boring body parts, apparently. It’s not even the leg the Superzord uses to kick! That’s the one Judy pilots!”
“Alright, alright!” David interjected, stepping in as Anna almost stood from her chair. “We’re not here to argue who the better Hero Ranger is. While I agree that our Fighterzords are doing very little actual fighting, they’re still too much for the regular enemies that Evil Weevil summons every episode. Rather than bickering semantics, I want to hear why David is so keen to utterly destroy the enemy.”
“Because it’s my desire to take Evil Weevil out.” Then, in response to his friend’s horrified looks: “I don’t mean we kill her! We’re not vigilantes. Just maybe…put her away in prison, make her think about what she’s done. We let her go every episode and she always comes back with an even fouler plan. Remember the episode when she zapped that kid’s gerbil and made a giant rampaging monster? Poor girl was traumatised for weeks!”
“Maybe so, but–”
At that point, the door to the intervention room burst open. Standing there, in all her dark and nefarious glory, stood the wicked witch Evil Weevil.
“Aha!” she said, with a triumphant pose. “You thought you had defeated me, but I have the last laugh now! Now that you’ve hopelessly defenseless, I can…oh.” She gave the group a concerned look. “Is this a bad time to appear?”
Everyone nodded gravely.
“Right. Sorry. Just thought it was a good scheme to, you know–”
“No, no,” David said. “Don’t apologise, it was a good idea.”
“Yes. Right. Uhm.” Evil Weevil pointed to the beers. “Mind if I–?”
“Right, thanks.” Then, after taking a beer; “so what’s getting you lot down, then? I can’t have you lot moping around at the next fight. Won’t be half as fun.”
“David’s having some problems,” Paul said. “Talking about wanting to put you away for good.”
“Yeah, you always do, you heroes. Only so many times you can fight the same villain before you start wondering what on earth you’re doing. Lots of rivalries that have lasted decades. But from our petty feuds, the people watching us learn valuable lessons and get some entertainment from it.”
“What about us?” said David.
“That’s obvious, isn’t it? You guys get to play in your mechs and fight my minions, and I get to turn little girl’s gerbils into monsters.”
“Yeah,” Paul said, “we need to talk about that.”
“Point is, if our little petty feuds stop, then everything grinds to a halt and everyone’s miserable. Even if it means doing weird stuff like not bringing the Superzord to the fight in the first place. I’m surprised you guys haven’t thought of doing that yet.”
“You’re telling me,” David said.
“So let’s keep fighting so the ankle-biters back at their homes have some fun. Besides, if we do well enough, we’ll get another season of Hero Rangers. If that happens, they’re going to give me a moon-base and a laser that can blow up the planet. You know what that means, right?” she said, with an elbow nudge. “Space battles.”
“Space battles, huh?” David said, with a grin. “Alright then. You’re on.”