Flash Friday 17/02/2017: Time for a Read
The Royal Committee of Time Travellers Newsletter #158
“Because we have all the time in the world.”
Hello, and welcome to another exciting edition of the newsletter.
Lots have gone on since we last wrote; we busted more paradoxes, unlocked new and exciting time periods, and saw new members enter the fold. Please welcome Juliet, the newborn daughter of Dr. Walker, into our community. You can congratulate her via her email, or travel back to time bookmark #17683 to arrive just after Juliet was born.
As usual, we’ve filled these pages with news, community inputs, and funny gags. Enjoy!
~Gerald, Head of RCTT
We’re excited to mention that we managed to pinpoint the exact moment and location of Julius Caesar’s assassination. All travellers who wish to see it in person can do so using time bookmark #17882. For the sakes of keeping time disturbances at a low, please do not walk too far away from the pillar you’ll find yourself standing behind. This is the best hiding spot we could find, and you can see all the action by peering around it. Togas not needed.
~Cathy, Chief Event Hunter
Can whoever it is that is trying to change the etymology of the word ‘father’ to ‘farter’ please stop. We’ve seen the parallel world that arises when this occurs. It’s not funny there, either.
~Paul, Time Regulator
Jacob — managed to track down where your parents went after they left you home alone as a kid on January 4th, 1978. I bookmarked it at #18932, but you may not want to see it. I’ll just say this; drinking and driving is a b***h (no swearing, please! – editor). Never do it, folks. Stay safe and smart.
~Alexander, Event Hunter
Be careful when bringing back pristine, mint-condition artifacts for museums to have. They’re starting to get suspicious. They’re validating the artifacts as authentic, but now they’re wondering how we managed to get our hands on several perfect quality Egyptian treasures. Please keep it on the low. If the historians discover our sheltered community, they’ll siege our walls until we give up our technology. Just say you found it in an air-tight chest you dug up on a farm or something, I don’t know.
~Patricia, Time Regulator
We regretfully and shamefully have to announce that we have had to put Adolf Hitler on the list of highly protected historical figures.
I was very lenient and patient with you all, and I explained countless times the dangers of trying to subvert World War II. Despite this, I’m still getting reports from our time regulators of avid time tourists still trying to make themselves a hero by nipping the source at the bud.
Due to Adolf Hitler’s elevated protection status, all standard-level time travellers, including event hunters, may not approach within 5 miles of Adolf Hitler or any of his ancestors at any time period. Anyone caught violating this rule will be taken immediately for brainwashing and expulsion from the Royal Committee of Time Travellers.
I’ve had to take away the memories of many a good person because they didn’t believe the rules applied to them. I don’t want to have to do it to any one of you.
~Gerald, Head of RCTT
Go to time bookmark #18772. Look for me in the chair making the sweet-ass shot from across the office into the wastebin. It’s okay to come out and congratulate me for the based god that I am. I knew at the time that I’d boast about it here. Peace.
~Marc, Time Tourist
Q: Why was World War 1 so quick?
A: Because they were Russian.
Q: Why was World War 2 so slow?
A: Because they were Stalin.
~Caroline, Time Regulator
Question: can anyone give me relationship advice on marrying a non-traveller? I have no idea how I’m going to break it to my fiance that I take photographs of dinosaurs as a hobby. He’d probably have me locked up in an asylum. If I keep it a strict secret, what do I tell him when I want to do some travelling? Anyone got a solid alibi?
~Anna, Time Tourist
In reply to Daniel’s question in the last newsletter: I found where you left your keys. You left them at the bar after you staggered home for the night. The bartender found them and placed them in safe storage. I’m sure if you turned up and asked for them, you’ll get them back. Small hint from a friend to a friend: don’t try to belt out ‘It’s Raining Men’ while smashed out of your face at two in the morning. Honestly, it sounded as if you thought you could sing it well, but you really couldn’t.
~Courtney, Event Hunter
Please do not travel back into 15th Century Spain in order to burst into random houses and yell ‘Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition’. While incredibly funny, it is, in fact, a disturbance in time. While there is no formal punishment for such a light prank, I cannot say the same for the time regulators that have to fix the disturbance. If you find that some of your old family photos have been photobombed by a member of the time regulators, you’ll know you pissed at least one of them off.
~Gerald, Head of RCTT
You were the beautiful paradox engineer that helped me solve the twist in time I created after I tried to kill my own grandfather to see what would happen. At the time, I was really scared and didn’t think much about it, but after serving my time in confinement learning about the dangers of paradoxes, I realised how gorgeous you were. Blonde hair, green eyes, red dress, told me that I was a ‘buffoon’ and an ‘imbecile’ and that I ‘had a death wish’. Didn’t catch your name. If you want, we can hook up for coffee. Contact me via email. Tell me the name of my grandfather that you saved, so I know it’s really you.
HMU, I think we could really make something work out.
~George, Time Tourist